Sex Toys and Desire Discrepancy

Sometimes our sex lives can go off track and desire discrepancy can appear within your relationship. Maybe your sexual preferences don’t fit such as a kink or a preferred position just doesn’t work for you or your partner. It could be that you feel you have or your partner has a higher sex drive, and one of you isn’t getting the right amount of sex. There could even be something that’s non-sexual that’s forcing its way into your sex life and causing a disruption. When it comes down to desire discrepancy there are so many factors that could be influencing your relationship sexual unbalance, and sex toys can be one of them.

Now, remember that even good relationships may find they experience trouble in the bedroom and with social media being more open around sex toys it is becoming increasingly more common that these can sometimes disrupt the relationship Zen.


Here are some common sex toy discrepancies I have encountered:


  • One partner used sex toys prior to the relationship; however, their current partner hasn’t used them before and may also feel intimidated by the device.


This is still a very common issue within relationships. So many couples will still keep their sex toy use hidden even when in long term relationships. It’s worth taking into account that when it does become apparent that one partner uses sex toys, the one who owns the sex toy can also have a negative reaction too. While I feel that no one should be embarrassed regarding sex toys, they may feel embarrassed that they had in the past used a sex toy, so reassuring them that there’s no reason to be embarrassed can be a great help. Maybe get involved with their masturbatory exploration and use the toy with them. Another solution maybe talk about getting yourself a sex toy too or even one that you both can try together.

If you’ve just discovered your partners sex toy and feel intimidated by it, talking about it with them is often a good approach. It’s particularly helpful to start talking about the problem sooner rather than later as emotions and thoughts can fester and develop bigger discrepancies. Remember that when talking to your partner requesting them to just get rid of the toy may hurt their feelings and cause a fight, so ask your partner about its history. Have a few conversations before you both come to a conclusion about whether or not to keep the sex toy.


  • It has been revealed that there’s a particular sex toy type you or your partner want to try. This could be ranging from kink to couples sex toys and more. Yet one of you is unsure, uncomfortable, or just don’t like the idea of using it


This is a very common problem for both men and women, and it’s not always kink related. As the saying goes “Different folk have different pokes.”, which holds very true for this situation. As always, conversation is useful here, maybe discuss alternative toys you may be willing to try that are similar. Consider reading through the product reviews together and seeing how others have used the sex toy in their relationship, you never know, you may find a suggestion that’ll excite your desire to try the product. Talk about role play situations in which you could use the toy which may make you both more comfortable to give it try. Discuss fantasies around the toy and what sensations your partner is hoping it’ll produce. If it’s still off-putting to one of you, seek out other ways to produce those desired sensations, such as blindfolding a partner and erotically whispering them a sexy description of the pleasure product. It’s worth noting that not every sex toy is for everyone and you should respect this. Whatever you do, don’t just order the toy and use it with your partner without consent, as this will just lead to further and deeper relationship discrepancies.


  • A sex toy is made of a certain material or by a particular brand and a partner won’t use it.


The internet is now slowly catching on that people want safe sex toys. Material has been a big subject in the industry for years and consumers are becoming more informed. Many people now days won’t use porous sex toys, however some still do. Some may not use glass due to the way it feels to them. Others dislike leather due to the ethical side to it and being a supporter of animal rights. Paraben’s and Phthalates which can cause various health issues are another which many avoid. Yet we still find toys of various shapes and sizes in which we want to try made from materials that some don’t use. This is an area which you should be careful when debating the politics around the use of a certain toy. The truth is that when materials of sex toys are the reason someone won’t use a sex toy, you really have to respect this. Read reviewers sex toy material guides. Talk about why you want to try a particular toy and see if it’s made in a similar design but a different material elsewhere. Remember knowingly using a sex toy which will cause your partner an allergic reaction is assault, but it can also damage your lover’s body, meaning that sexual encounters are off the table until they’ve healed. If a toy isn’t dangerous to their body, maybe ask them the other reasons for not using that type of material sex toy. Maybe they find they can’t hold it easily, or they have a disability where the item is too heavy, if this is the case maybe offer to use it on them instead. Maybe they like a particular toy as it’s realistic to touch, maybe offer to buy them a slightly more expensive silicone one as a romantic gift to try and maybe replace the old one. Just remember with the sex toy industry forever expanding, there are always alternative options for martial’s and manufacturers, so keep a look-out when browsing blogs and stores as I’m certain you’ll find something that’ll work for both of you.



Sex toy can also be a way of helping other desire discrepancies by helping you sync desires and arousal. The We-Vibe is a good example for a couple’s sex toy which can help partners share using a sex toy which can be customised to both users’ vibration desires.

Date night is a great way to help dissolve discrepancies, and if you plan ahead with your partner, you could have sex toys added to your romantic night.


Becoming more involved in the bedroom with your partner, even if it’s just talking about the problem, should help build intimacy and help you through other desire discrepancies you may come to during your relationship. Yours and your partner’s sexual desires are forever evolving, waxing and waning, throughout your journey together and the sex toy world is also forever growing and inspiring new sexual fantasies.


This article only suggests a few issues some have encountered alongside a selection of suggestions, however, there are so many more topics that could be covered with sexual discrepancies and sex toys it’s impossible to write ever issue and solution that can be used. Just remember, that the best way of resolving these desire disruptions is to base all solutions on consent.



If you’ve found sex toys to either help or derail your love life, feel free to comment below, email me your thoughts: or use my contact form, here.

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