P is for Practice

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Yep, it’s another one of those alphabet blog things that many sex bloggers turn to, to help explain things. Now I was considering doing what everyone else does when it comes to these and start with prostate, but the fact is, that many of you visiting my blog know one, or when you at least search the term a fair articles pop-up. If not here’s a lovely site all about prostates for you: Prostate Pleasure.

I’ve chosen the word ‘Practice’ because last night I couldn’t sleep due to the word being used when it comes to types of relationship, and in particular when it’s used in conjunction with Polyamory and Open-Relationships. I also understand that the word is used sometimes when describing monogamy, but while reading loads of books, articles, and blogs, I’ve found this ‘practice’ to be less often.

So why does the word practice bug me you ask? Isn’t it simply a word that implies we do something, such as a particular behaviour? And yes, really it is, but also to me the word practice carries a lot of negativity. It implies that I have to always try and improve my performance and condition myself to act in a certain way or learn a certain skill. But if I’m honest, I don’t think I practice Polyamory, it’s something which is just a part of me and I’ve known it since I was a teenager. I feel if I was practicing being poly that I would have to keep trying to learn how to feel it, be it, and more. Sure I love reading books about it and do think they are helpful to some, but that’s not how I learned that I felt comfortable with multiple partners. Also, while growing up I didn’t know about multiple partners in humans really, because while in history lessons and even when learning about animals and more, I didn’t really know what it was like in reality. I didn’t know anyone in my life at the time who had multiple partners, and almost everyone around me who was in a relationship was either single, or in a monogamous relationship. If there were people around me having multiple relationships, then I didn’t know about them as a kid, basically.

I see the word practice as something that you have to do to learn something or perfect a skill or hobby. I don’t see being poly as a skill or hobby, and while I would like to be the world’s perfect poly (and even have one of those mugs you give to the world’s best mum or dad), I’m happier just letting my natural self allowing my poly feelings run smoothly.

Also practice implies that there are set rules which are universally known, just like when we take an exam and it requires certain answers to particular questions. But while I feel there are rules to relationships, I feel that they are always going to be unique to the relationship, and not set rules about being poly or mono. We need to come up with our own personal rules with our partners, which suit us best, and not conform to rules about being poly or mono.

Now I have tried practicing monogamy. You’re probably wondering how I know this, but it’s because I have been in many relationships where I have to constantly think about performing that particular way. I have to try and it’s hard and it hurts so much. And no, it’s not about trying not to cheat as while I have cheated in the past that hurts too. But being forced to be monogamist when I just know I’m not hurts. I tend to deeply care for multiple men (and on occasion women), this goes beyond just friendship, and feels far more intimate. I’m not saying I have to be with multiple partners at one time always too, as really there has to be that connection between me and the people I’m involved with. I can have just one partner at one time if there’s no one else I feel that deep connection with. But this doesn’t mean I’m monogamist, it doesn’t mean I’m practicing monogamy, it’s just at that time and place, for whatever reason I only have one partner and if the right person does come along, I probably would be happy to expand into a multiple relationship.

But to be monogamist, is a constant challenge, that when I try it I’m always putting pressure onto myself to get it right. To live up to what others expect from me. And it’s often something I will try and conform to a set ideology, which often gets in the way of my actual relationship, essentiality I have a relationship with monogamy and not the partner I’m with. Which I feel isn’t very fair on them or myself, as I have to close off so much of myself to do this. I want to share everything with the people I’m with, all my emotions, all of my thoughts and feeling, rather than close of loads of them just to act a certain way which causes me more pain than I can cope with. And when I try and ‘practice monogamy, not only am I closing off my feelings and natural instinct for multiple partners, I’m also closing off my ability to communicate that pain and hurt I’m feeling to the one person I’m meant to be able to share these emotions with. Making that relationship very wrong for me in so many ways.

Sure there’s some habits I do practice to improve my relationship(s), such as sexual, and things which make everyday living easier. But I don’t practice polyamory, more that I am polyamorous.

I’d like to make it clear that I’m not against monogamy, more that monogamy isn’t for me, but I’d like to end with the following questions:

 

Do you feel you practice being polyamorous?

Do you feel you practice being monogamist?

 

Please note that I do understand that practice has a double meaning, it’s just I feel really we need to start using a different word, due to how it’s more commonly used in society now days.

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