Emotional grooming is where a person (often referred to as the ‘gromer’), manipulates words and actions, so that they say what they believe the victim wishes to hear, yet resulting in making sure the victims attention predominately caters to the groomers needs. Often at the victims own expense. Groomers generally use as much as the victim willing reveals about themselves, to gain control. Manipulating words and actions, in a way which makes the victim feel guilty and vulnerable. The victim will then go out of their own way, to try and please this person, often looking for some form of positive reassurance from the groomer as a reward.
I have been groomed. I blindly walked into the situation, and wasn’t aware of what was happening, until my body started to fight it. Albeit, to get the guts to fight back, I did turn to drinking, as this gave me the guts to speak-up to him… all the other conversations I felt too weak, worried about upsetting him, and often just leading me to agreeing to him.
It started with promises. A business proposition – actually a partnership in a business. It lead to me then forming pity on him and his current situation. I then decided to then try and make him happy, as this made me happy. He ignored most of my emotions, and used the most vulnerable ones to manipulate me more, often saying how his emotions were more important than mine. I listened. He brought age into it. He brought his friends into it so they could keep an eye on me – he told me this was to make me happy and be good experience. I agreed as this would make him happy. He showered me with the odd gift, but often made out I had to earn it, often stating it was pocket money, and only giving it to me after pleasing him. He changed his words, his background, frequently leading to confusing me more.
“It was a grown-up, adult, encounter.” He said. “We did some fucking, hardcore, shit, man! You don’t do that kind of stuff normally, it was hard-right stuff.”
I laughed hysterically, “Well, I’m a sex toy tester, I’ve done most of all that before.”
The past: We tested a toy. It was a new toy. He came around mine with intentions to purely show me the product. He stated how it’ll be best to show me it on him – it was a cock ring. I agreed. As I see cock rings on men every single day. He acts nervous, asking for help to keep up an erection. I’m shaking, I know this is wrong, but I keep going, he’s in my flat after all. We manage to fit the ring on, he’s now fully erect. He strokes my hair, talks calmly at me, and states “Wouldn’t it be best if we test it out? To make sure we are producing some of the best sex toys out there?” He uses ‘We’ a lot, making me feel like I’m an important part of things. I gulp, I’m nervous. Stuttering I look up and stare into his eyes. He’s looking happy; something he had made clear he was lacking. I agree “Ye-e-ahh.” He tilts my head and firmly says “Good Girl!” At this point I’m so nervous I’d even forgotten how to snog someone. He pushes me slightly, so I’m getting into it more. I let out one massive kiss of excitement, and then fall back into my timid self. Kissing him, as if it was the first time I had ever kissed anyone. Me, someone who is normally rather sexually experienced with lovers, was nervous, virgin and passive. For a long time I had felt very depressed about my body and experience when it came to sex. So much so, that I had started to feel untouchable. This changed that very night, as he kept saying how much I needed him. Sadly, I was far too nervous and lacked the authority needed, due to my crippled confidence. I basically let him take the lead mostly. I slowly started to relearn and learn new things in regards to making love. My heart pounded, my heart had never pounded so hard. My hands shook as if they were a vibrator. My finger tips swiftly tapped his flesh and then scattered away almost as if I had touched something forbidden. Everything was echoing around me, I couldn’t think straight, even when he spoke to me I wasn’t able to take it in. Leading me to agreeing to everything. He leads me to the floor. Normally, during intercourse with others, our actions are shared, but this, he took the lead. He got out another toy and smirks at me, stating a cheesey comment, which I almost wanted to walk away from. “Welcome to the COMPANY” – I’m confused, and say “O-k-aayy.” How else was I meant to take a comment like that, was it meant to be some kind of cult initiation, a serious jester, or something else? All I knew was I instantly knew, right then, that it was one of the stupidest statements I’d ever heard during my past sexual encounters, and possibly one of the daftest I will ever hear. Sure, I talk with lovers about things during se, sometimes out of the norm, sometimes we plan our day, talk about feminism, or just use words like “Fuck” and the odd “Ooooh goddd.”, and once I’ve managed to perform a musical duet to a Tenacious D track (Ok don’t judge me, it was very romantic). But being initiated into sex hadn’t really happened to me before. Heck, even when I slept with a vicar in training it had less of an occult feeling around our first time together, and focused on our relationship. He placed the toy on my clit, for once in my life I was hardly wet, normally I’d be dripping juices if it was with someone else. The cold metal buzzed away, rapidly heating to my body temperature. The warmth comforted me. The rest of the night became hazey. But towards the end of the night, I had accomplished something sexually which was a rarity – I managed to perform 69ing without any trouble, I guess being so out of my own comfort zone meant I had to put less thought process into it. Hours had pasted, he was still in my flat. We stopped for tea. He commented on the teas flavor, somehow making him seem more human and real. Also, my imagination made me realise, that if he was able to pick-out the individual tea leaves within the brew, what were his thoughts about my bodily tastes? His taste buds must be good, thinking how his tongue had slithered all over my body, tasting every part of me. I wasn”t sure what to think, on one hand, there was a guy who apparently knew his sex toys and teas (a rare combination), but then there was a very dominant man who I was nervous to be around. Before leaving, he handed me me the vibrator, stating I had earned it and how not everyone ends up sleeping with a luxury toy designer. I guess what I did that night was worth £300. A vibrator, I didn’t like so much for it’s functional properties, but more for the emotional meanings and promises behind it. As he left, he squeezed both my arms, and smiled, before cocking his head and stating how he had to go home to his partner, which he wasn’t looking forward to. I felt sorry for him, offered for him to stay longer. But he walked away, saying he had duties, and that I was lucky I had no worries.
Review of the cock ring: It was constructed of metal and silicone. The silicone gripped around the balls and shaft firmly. There were various metal balls on the product. One was situated at the top and was able to stimulate my clitoris. The ball was large, too large, and caused discomfort as it bashed against my body.
He then gets defensive, making out how he is interested in resuming it in the future. He then states how no-one will be able to do what he’s doing, and then brings his new lover into the conversation. He makes me feel guilty for her, saying that he’s taking her on holiday / work with him, and how the extreme heat will be unbearable for her – well, he really doesn’t know how hot my flat becomes, due to living next to various people who have the heating on even during the summer.
The conversation goes on, he threatens me, stating I can’t tell anyone. He changes his words again. He talks about business… apparently tells me production secrets. He then says how I’m not allowed to talk to anyone without his instructions. My conversation turned into “Ok”, that was all I could formulate. I also challenged his business ethics, and sourcing methods for product resources, which personally I feel are unethical. Not that he’s also sleeping with dealers behind the back of Starbucks in Asia, but you never know.
This was our last conversation. And whilst I had felt I had started to feel strong, this conversation made me crack. Particularly when I chatted with him about my STI rule… where he shows a complete lack of understanding about STIs, and doesn’t understand why I’m so concerned, because we used condoms during penile to vaginal sex… but there was a lot of oral sex, anal sex, finger masturbation, sharing of fluids, and more. These are normally things I would only do with protection too, or on the odd occasion, if we have had recent STI tests – and I mean the whole works, even with exchanging doctors confirmation of results, for each of our records. Ok, maybe a bit extreme, but something like that also shows how much you trust each other as care for them. I’m always slightly concerned when a sex toy designer / marker isn’t worried about the risks of STIs too.
Following from my previous post. I will be staying with family, it’s odd who reads my blog. It’s probably the better option out of the other choices I had. I won’t b online, but, I can’t help but have a good blog ramble right now. I will blog more about my affair with the sex toy maker in the future. I have so more fluid / less ramble accounts of the whole thing.
I’m just not up to writing very structured posts right now. But hopefully, once I’m back from my families I will be ready to go!